Damage of anonymity

As I've grown in my walk with Christ, I've learned so much the hard way.  Not because I'm not intelligent, but because I was pig-headed and stubborn.  I'm a guy...and it's a typical guy stereotype to be stubborn.  Normally, I'd be the first to argue with the "all guys are..." statement, but I know I fall into this category.  So why argue :)

But there is one thing that I truly have a problem with.  It's a disease that does nothing but cause pain and trouble.  It's deadly to any situation and to any relationship.  Anonymity.  When we say things but don't want to own up to it.  If not careful, it can destroy.  Over the past couple of years, I've gotten several anonymous letters in the mail.  And none of them positive.  They've been critical, accusatory, mocking, blaming, and hurtful.  It's hard to digest someone disliking/distrusting you so much that they're not even willing to talk to you personally.  Obviously, those types of letters are just out to cheap shot the one the letters are addressed to.

The same applies for verbal issues.  If you have to start a sentence with "I need to tell you something about someone but you can't tell them I told you", then you're going down a slippery slope.  You're setting up the conversation to go in an ungodly direction.  I'm not talking about confidentiality.  As a pastor on a large church staff, I realize that there are things that have to be kept confidential.  It's one thing for me to speak to a fellow staff member about a situation, to get prayer or wisdom.  It's another for me to talk to another staff member about a problem I have with someone else.  The sum that up in one word - GOSSIP. 

If you want to be a person of character and Spirit-led, and you have an issue with someone or something someone said, address it with them.  No go through back channels, shadows, or late phone calls and tell others what's going on.  Go to the person first....tell them what your upset about.  Deal with them face to face!!  I've compiled this list below

5 Things to do to avoid gossip

1)  Mind your own business:  We don't do ourselves any good by jumping into situations that don't involve us.  If someone comes to you for help, help them.  Encourage them, challenge them.  Deal with the situation they're asking about and then let it go.  When we step into things that don't involve us, uninvited, we're bound to step in it (do I need to explain what "it" is? ;)

2)  Shut down gossip when it comes to you:  If someone comes to you with a "keep this anonymous" comment, stop it dead in it's tracks.  You won't be held accountable for what happens after that, unless you participate in the gossip.  Challenge the person to go to the other and discuss the issue.  Matthew 17 clearly states how things like this should be handled.  I believe even if a gossip isn't saying it to us, even if we just overhear it, we should take action to confront them.  Colossians 3:16 tells us to use Scripture to admonish each other.  I'm not saying slam them against the wall, but challenge them and "confront" them about their sin. 

3)  Don't be afraid to ask for help:  especially if you attend a solid church, ask a pastor to guide you and help.  If you come across gossip and aren't sure what to do, ask for help.  But remember - you're asking for help with an issue, not spreading the information to another person.

4)  Be above reproach:  handle things in a way that no one can come back and say you're lying, you manipulated the situation, etc.  Be honest and be clear.  The more we do this, the less likely gossips will come looking for you.

5)   Shine a light on to everything!  If the gossip is about you, don't keep it hidden.  Go to the people involved and get it out in the open right away.  The minute we say to anyone "we can't say who said this...", we're tiptoeing the line between confidentiality and contributing to the problem.  It's a hard place for any person to be, but it's under this type of pressure where our growth can happen.

In ministry, anonymous letters, emails, blogs, FB posts, tweets, calls, discussions, etc. are very common.  I'm on staff at a large church so sometimes they seem to happen more than you'd like.  When these have happened to me, it was like a kick in the gut.  The first time just about ripped my heart out.  As each one has come, I've begun to just toss them out without reading them.  I was reminded of the damage this does recently as I've spoken to someone who's having this done to them - gossiping about to those close to them. 

I'm begging anyone who might be reading, and challenging myself every day, to deal with people face to face.  If you have an issue, talk to them.  If someone has a problem with you, go to them to get it straightened out.  If you hear gossip, take the intiative and shut it down.  Unity is so important...don't let the enemy destroy that because of a few comments. 

Selah....